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Just saw the movie slingblade, I can't for the life of me (never really got that phrase but it sounds old timey so i like it) figure out how i missed avoided this movie for so long. I'd been hearing about it for years, how much i'd like it, how good it was etc. but for some strange reason i had it confused with bladerunner which i was sure i'd seen as some wesley snipes vampire thing and hadn't left much of an impression. It took a suggestion by the bestest powerpal in the history of powerpals to finally motivate me to actually take the time to watch for it and then see it.

This is currently my favorite all time movie, which is always my reaction when i see a movie a really like, but unlike many before this one. I think this one will remain as one of my all time favorites. Nearly perfect even if the end was a bit forecasted ahead of time.
what is the difference between need and desire... I know there's the basic needs of survival and I know the difference between needing transportation and desiring a 67 shelby mustang 500 gt.  What i mean is what do we need for contentment or is that even a need.

 some of the things that are important to me. Self respect, feeling a sense of accomplishment, love, companionship, laughter, being valued/loved by at least one person, hope, forgiveness both for myself and others, belief in God, faith, gratitude, sense of history and shared experience, expression... what of these are needed for contentment though?

feeling oddly philosophical and analytical without much to focus it on obviously.
What to write.... i feel like iam doing this just to keep my screen saver from engaging like the old days of typing in a chatroom just for that purpose. 

Looking for a job is harder than working a job.

Arizona weather sucks. hot hot hot hot, chance of rain hot hot hot dust storm thunderstorm hot hot hot, fall hits around january then goes into our 4 weeks of winter followed by hot etc etc

Loving someone with all your heart is the hardest and most rewarding thing i've ever done.

Family is great and much easier for me to love from a distance. or at least like from a distance

i am 47 years old and still have a living grandfather that i love and respect. I've been blessed in a lot of areas of my life.

I am constantly being shown reminders of my wasted youth these days. Depressing at times, but could i have been who i am had i made different choices.

oh blah, i had nothing to say lol

Memories of Holbrook arizona era of my life... approximate age 7-8

I remember being disappointed shocked and perplexed that Navajo indians wore cowboy hats and levis and looked more like the cowboys than the non native americans did.

I remember being banned to order butterscotch sundais at Dairy Queen due  to the sticky quotient on vinyl back seats.

I remember catching horny toads and being told to avoid gila monsters if i ever encountered one

I remember the first time i saw the painted desert and the petrified forrest and being in awe of both of them, they looked so ancient and prehistoric and i imagined dinosaurs wondering through them.

I remember a picnic where me and my younger brother caught tadpoles and putting them in coffee cans, but being forced to let them go before heading home.

I remember trout fishing in which i would always get bored about an hour into it and either tie a lizard to my line and tell him he was going for a swim or feed chip monks most of our bait.

I remember brutal and violent fights between my mom and father in which led to my dad being in and out of the house for most of the time there.

I remember meeting relatives that i never knew i had that didnt feel like relatives and that mom for some reason made us promise not to mention around dad.

Holbrook was interesting and left lots of sustained memories.


My family began raising chickens when I was 8 or 9 , Rhode Island reds. They turned an old storage shed into a coup and put screens over the windows and built a little run out in front of it. The made boxes and filled them with straw and placed them on a shelves, two shelves high about 6-8 boxes on each shelf. My mom or dad went and picked up the eggs and incubator and kept them in the living room for what seemed like weeks but i can't recall exactly how long it was, but i remember my sister, brother and I would wake up each morning and would run over to see if the chickens had been born yet. I remember the lights were extremely hot to the touch and my mom would scold us constantly about picking the eggs up and holding them to the light to see the little embryos. It was fascinating stuff. Then one day they hatched and it was amazing, the eggs would vibrate and move and then cracks would appear and then the little beak would poke through, We sat there transfixed for hours as life was springing out of inanimate objects right before our eyes. i remember helping one by picking off the shell as he struggled to release himself and my mom scolding me saying that could kill him. After what seemed like an eternity they were all born and we had a full plastic baby pool full of little orange balls of fuzz

. The chirping they did was insane, there was no way these small pieces of fluff could be making that much noise. Over the next few days it became a morbid head counting ritual and  emoving the small lifeless bodies from the little tub under the bright light as one or two seemed to die over night each night. It was sad but all the adults seemed to take in matter of fact-ly and talked about still having enough chicks to get a surplus of eggs and expected losses as i felt abandoned and sad by the loss of my new pets. There was so many of them though that it seemed unreasonable to attach feelings to them at this point, they didnt seem like individuals to anyone but us kids who tried to look for characteristics to identify them by and name them. We could rarely remember the names we assigned  and who was who as most of them all looked the same so we'd just start over again the next day with the survivors of the night's losses.   they all grew to happy teens and cheerful adults and when on to star on stage and film. the end.

I walked up to the curb and sat down, not sure what i was waiting for but not ready to do anything. feeling like the world was hurling at me from every conceivable direction and yet the air was perfectly still. I pulled out the packet of roll your own tobacco and the little hand rolling machine and began to build a cigarette. I wasnt sure why i opted for roll your own cigarettes and why this ritual felt important. As i was working the mechanism of the little rolling machine a boy walked to up on me, he looked about 17 or 18 and had a bright smile and intense eyes, as if he was on a sugar high or over caffeinated. His pupils looked over dilated or something. I knew he was actually 22 however but other than his name that was all i really knew. 

He said "hi, i'm Robby. what's your name?

I replied that my name was Steve and he nodded and smiled a bit too enthusiastically.

Robby asked "what are you doing?" and quickly added he thought he was drunk

I replied "making a cigarette and why do you think you are drunk?

Robby said "he didnt know why he thought he was drunk but imagined this is how it might feel

I asked: you've never been drunk before?

Robby stated he couldnt remember but didnt think so

I asked if he had been drinking and he replied he had a diet pepsi awhile ago and did i want one.

It was obvious he wasnt entirely right.

I looked around his front yard and saw stacks and stacks of obama posters and what looked like a homemade pulpit or stage or something but it had been partially torn down. and some of the posters were torn and piled in one corner of the yard. I asked Robby what happened here and he flatly  stated that Dad is a republican without further explanation. 

I remembered why i was here and began to bait Robby by making fun of him for being a farmer and country boy and something about redneck this and that , but he remained jovial and seemed oblivious that i was insulting him when he suddenly grabbed my bicep and squeezed like he was sizing me up

Robby then announced he liked to look at pretty girls and sometimes they seemed to like for him to look at them, but other times they didnt and acted strange or cried.

I didnt ask what he meant but was having a hard time maintaining my animosity towards this boy.

A middle aged man that i assumed to be Randall Garret, Robby's father stumbled out of the house at this moment yelling to Robby to finish cleaning this shit off his lawn and how could he have been so stupid to disgrace the family like this in the first place. Randall looked to be a man in his mid 50s, he wasnt remarkable in any attribute other than the fact his hair was unnaturally black for a man of his age. He glanced over at me standing near the edge of his lawn on the curb and asked "who the fuck are you?" and i said that i was just walking by when Robby decided to talk to me. Randall said well Robby isnt allowed to talk to strangers and to leave him be. I nodded and acted as if i was walking on down the street long enough to satisfy Randall who barked something more at Robby and went back in the house. I moved over to the driveway where there were three late model Mercedes' parked, one on blocks on with the hood slightly ajar.I Positioned myself to look through the front door and could see Randall sitting in a recliner drinking a beer and reading a magazine through the screen door. Robby was carrying posters to the growing pile in the corner of the yard and muttering to himself.

My Cell phone rang and i knew who it was without looking at my phone due to the personalized ringtone.

I answered "yeah?"

Melissa replied where are you?? in a semi frantic almost hysterical tone

I answered with a question that i intentionally made sound cold. What does that matter now?

Melissa tearfully pleaded with me to answer her and i told her i was in Iowa.

Melissa gasped and then began to sob saying "oh my god Steve, what the hell... My god... please, please,. don't .. Steve please i cant take this . oh my god what are you going to do??, please god no, answer me, what oh my god please...

I didnt reply and let her plead and cry into her phone and waited for her to pause.

She then collected herself and sounded almost resigned when she said "it isnt Robby's fault, please Steve, dont.. he wasnt in control, please he wasnt the one..he didnt have any choice either. OH please Steve. Randall... was the..oh Fuck!

I said nothing and she asked if i was there and demanded i answer her

I said  Melissa i havent anything to say. 

She said Steve, as much as i hate them all and everyone, i hate you the most.. I cant stand you, you hurt me worse than anything  they did and besides it was my fault!

I said i love you Melissa and will always. And i can learn to forgive and NO it wasnt your fault.

She said I hate you so much for teaching me how to hope again making me want to believe and NO i dont believe you, you will never forgive. I HATE YOU.and she cried incoherently.

She then composed herself and in a very distant voice said i have to go, i have something i have to do.

I said what is it?

And she answered she had to go again

Again in a more demanding tone i asked her what she had to do 

and she replied i cant tell you and i am sorry. you wouldnt like it.

I raised my voice nearly screaming for her to tell me 

and she meekly said  i cant and i am so sorry i fucked up your life, you were better off without me. 

and she hung up

I said you are the best thing that ever happened to me. but she didnt hear it as she had already disconnected the call. 

my eyes filled with tears.

Melissa reached for her pill bottle as she silently wept

I pulled out my buck knife unfolded it as a bitter coldness crept over me i called out to Robby saying on second thought i would take that pepsi and we both strolled to the screen door.

Melissa's hand fell open and the empty pill bottle rolled off her bed and onto the floor as i opened the screen door and closed it behind me.
ok another night of mindless pacing full of over analyzed and exceptionally important thoughts.... I feel all turbulent or tumultuous or tormented or something tonight, not sure how i feel but it seems to start with a T. I think i have too much thinking time between the hours of 9pm and 1am these days with my time zone change and loss of late night companionship. I do better in my own head when i am thinking about someone else and not myself , i think. "HA" to steal from my beloved k. 

I've been reading my favorite LJ's person's journal again tonight, one of my favorite all time pastimes. And as usual it has inspired lots and lots of emotion. I so want to to have known this person for always and my jealously wants every one of their experiences good bad and otherwise to be with me. I am beyond amused, inspired and in lust with nearly every word on this journal and it tears me to shreds and fills me with awe and love simultaneously.

I am way too much to digest for human consumption. Maybe stabbing someone in the liver with a butter knife would relieve some of the pressure.
my grandfather had surgery today as as per usual my mother had the details wrong as to what the surgery was, he didnt have a bypass but a pacemaker inserted, and is doing well , as well as a 96 year old man can do i imagine. i feel a lot better knowing this but still wish i had known he was leaving this week  for idaho( where he spends summers with his daughter) and pray i havent seen him for the last time. I have given his care over to god for now and hope i can leave it there as i know god will do a much better job than my worse case scenario worry would.

After spending lots of time with my nieces ages 4 through 10... I am fascinated by watching them play , mostly house like games.. mainly due to seeing how they interact with each other and it's amazing to me how much they parrot the adults in their lives. I can't count how many times i heard the phrases ..."no you can't have company tonight i have a headache... I know you didnt mean to spill that juice, and i am sorry i yelled i'm just tired... you know better than that, i know you arent stupid... why are you doing that, you should know better.... I can't believe you failed your test, we stayed up late all week studying for that... I have too much to do today, and dont have time to deal with this" etc... If you ever are curious how you are coming across to the kids you are raising just listen to them play. I know this isnt some huge revelation or anything but it can be really surprising i think. Obviously only applies to kids that are still of the age to play these sort of role playing games.


ok so i am sitting here thinking what my inaugral entry should be about if anything and all i can come up with is what someone really special suggested. "don't over think it" which is funny since that's generally my approach on everything.  I haven't a lot to say so so far and can't think of how i want to say it, so what better idea than to start on on line journal. I am sure i will be bleeding all sorts of over analyzed tidbits of my inner thoughts in no time but for today i am taking that earlier mentioned advice.